Why Am I Still Up?

Five minutes until midnight and I have to get up and go to work in the morning. Why am I still up? I feel restless but don't think I'll have any trouble to sleep once I get in the bed...

I've had so much on my mind lately. Actually "lately" isn't really the right word because I always have a lot on my mind. I can say that lately much of it has to do with whether or not I will have a job this time next month. I am assuming that the re-org will have been announced by that time. Am I worried? Honestly? No, not really and it's not because I feel so secure, because I don't. Not at all, but it's one of those things that I realize that I cannot change one way or the other. So weird because my inability to change certain situations has never stopped me from worrying about them in the past. To some degree I equate the possibilty of being unemployed with the possiblity that a publisher might actually like the book I wrote and rather than second guess myself, I should submit it.

I never thought that my first book would be a children's book but it is. I always wanted to write a book that I thought was good, not one that I wrote for the sake of writing and being published though even then the book would have to be good right? At least good enough to catch a publisher's eye - well no, not necessarily as I have read a few bad books in my day. Anyway, I am very pleased with how it turned out and the fact that it is based on an actual conversation I had with Justin, that's just the icing on the cake.

What else is on my mind? My mother. Her memory and the loss thereof. As I was telling Dena, it makes me angry. It makes me sad. I am starting to struggle with aging. Not because of vanity and the inevitable decline/deterioration of "beauty" but because of the physical and mental decline/deterioration of the body and mind that is also inevitable, or so it would seem. Not to mention the whole death and dying thing. Being a Christian, I find some comfort in knowing that I will see some of the people I knew and loved and miss again in heaven, but that doesn't stop the longing in my soul to see them again. It doesn't stop the dread in my soul, knowing that if I live long enough that I will lose people who are closer to me than anyone that I have ever lost in the past. I have so many questions that I want to ask God ...

My scrapping mojo appears to be missing in action yet again. It is coming and going so frequently here lately. It comes, stays a few days and then it's gone again. I could really use that mojo to keep my mind occupied with creative processes rather than the depressing, mundane, discontent that seems to have set up shop there.

I brought home a Lincoln Navigator tonight. Maxine arranged for me to get it as a way to show her appreciation for the work I did with the Production Creation picnic.

I really need to get off of the 'puter now and try to get some rest so ...

ttfn