What if ...

I am really really sick ...

The numbness has moved down to my right and left legs. The left leg is not so bad but the right one is. I have been to emergency twice in as many weeks. I have an appointment with a neurologist on January 12. I am very very scared.

My CT scan and blood work have all come back normal but I am still numb. Disturbingly so. I still have full strength and range of motion but I am numb.

The emergency room doc I saw the other day didn't want to speculate but when I pressed him for the worst he thought it could be, he said "MS."

I feel scared. I feel guilty because my faith ... well it's trying to hold up but I have a wicked imagination. I do mean wicked. And is is getting the best of me. I have never had trouble sleeping but I do now and the nights are long and lonely even with Dave laying next to me.

One of the few things that keeps me somewhat grounded is I keep thanking God that this is happening to me and not one of my kids. As anguished as I am now, I'd be out of my mind if it were one of them.

Just when I think I am all cried out, my eyes prove me wrong. Like now ...

Okay okay, pulling myself back together for the umpteenth billion time.

Have done a little bit of scrapping. Mostly holiday pics of the kids. Oh yeah, and Dave has made awesome progress on my scrap room. Wanna see? I love the color. It's called Asparagus. The black square above my work area that you see on one of the walls is a magnetic blackboard that I made by using magnetic paint and the blackboard paint on top of that. Can you tell I've been watching DIY and HGTV?

For the first time I have my computer in my scrap space. What a concept!!! I love it and the fact that I have tons and tons of music loaded on my computer I am set. Plus I can watch DVDs on it too so. So awesome. At least it would be if I weren't numb and wondering and worrying.

My brother's boys, Quincy and Trevor are over now and it would be such a great photo op to get some pics of them with my kids, but I tell ya, I'm so uninspired these days. I could probably come up with some decent layouts of the five kids together but ... mayby/hopefully I'll bring myself to at least snap a few pics. I can always scrap them later.

Aw shucks, I take almost two months to write and it's almost a total downer post. If I'm lucky, nobody is still reading my blog.

Geez I gotta come up with something positive to say. Something. Anything.

Okay, how's this ... while I can muster (sp?) the optimism ...

Whatever this is, it isn't serious and I'm going to be well. Healthy, whole and happy in the '007!

Happy New Year to all who still check in on the td (tracydacy).

November 3? Already?

How in the world can it be November 3rd? Already? Seems like it was just yesterday it was January 1. Ah well, time certainly does fly ...

That could be one reason that I haven't blogged in so long - just didn't realize how long it had been because time flies so quickly. But nah, that ain't it. I just haven't felt like it. Not all that much is going on. Still numb tho- to a lesser degree. I did have an EMG the other day. The diplomatic way to describe the experience would be to merely say that it was rather unpleasant. If I wanted to keep it real I would say that if you are down with electric shock treatment and have no aversions to needles (albeit very thin needles - but needles nonetheless) being pushed deep into your muscle tissue and then being asked to push your extremity firmly in the direction of the needle, then hey, you'd have no problem. Now if I wanted to break it down to some of my ghettofabulous acquaintances (if I had any - well okay, I have two) I would say, "That %$#@* hurt like a *^$*@#(#*%$@." Feel free to insert the expletives of your choice.

Bottom line, I'm still alive and relatively well. I think. My results should be in by the end of the week which, I suppose, is today. Unless my doctor calls me, I'll probably just wait until Monday to call her.

My dad and brother's birthday, aka Halloween, has come and gone. Jared was a couch potato, meaning he informed me last week that he didn't he wanted to go trick or treating and stayed home watching tv on the couch. Jordyn was a cheerleader. Justin was The Thing from Fantastic Four. Again. One thing about that kid, he's committed. Three and two years ago, he was the Hulk. Hey, he likes it. I love it. Saves me a small piece of change. Good thing too. I've already spent a small fortune on their Christmas.

What else? Still scrappin but it's kinda hard. Dave is totally re-doing my room, so right now I don't have a room. The new one will be much larger and nicer. Just wish Dave would move a little faster about getting it done. It's coming along but I owe Monica two projects ... I will have them done by Sunday. I promise.

Hmmm, what else. Had a long talk with my old buddy Art the other day. I love talking to him. We always have great debates/conversations, but they are always bittersweet for me because I always lament the way things ended with Gina and Ellen and how synical he has become, but whenever I get done talking to him it makes me wanna hug and squeeze Dave and tell him how lucky, HOW TRULY BLESSED I feel to be his wife.

At the same time, I can understand Art and where he's coming from. He's a product of his experience. I've become somewhat of a cynic myself and yes, I question whether I take some things too personally. I admit that maybe, MAYBE, I do, but where there is smoke, there is smoke - not necessarily a fire, but smoke is still cause for me to leave the room ...

Ooooh, how clandestine ...

Anything else? As Dave would say, "It's cold as a witch's tit in a brass bra," outside. For the first time I can remember in a while, we had no Indian summer. Fortunately, Halloween wasn't too bad but I did wear gloves. I loathe cold temps, but I do love this time of year. Planning Thanksgiving dinner. Anticipating 3Js' faces on Christmas morning. Dave's too. These things and most things in-between make it all worthwhile!

And there you have it, some medical drama, tricks and treats, home improvement, great debates, cynicism, a weather report and a bit of hokey reflection. The stuff of life ... my life anyway.

ttfn!
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Officially Funky

Yep, it's official. I am in one huge funk. You know when life hurls a bunch of sh** your way - well yeah, that's what's happening with me right now ...

My doctor thinks I have a pinched nerve. My neck and arm are still numb. My doc told me to call her on Tuesday if things had not improved and she would send me for a test called an EMG. Well things are more or less the same but I didn't call her. My friends Meg and Dale told me about the EMG. My life is shockingly distressing enough as it is and I just really ain't in the mood to have tiny needles stuck up and down my arm, neck and spine and then have electric currents go through them into me. Nope, I'm not in the mood for that. (Shannon, if you're reading this can you tell more about this test?)

I'm giving myself until next Monday before I call my doctor back. I have regained some feeling in the affected areas so maybe I just need a little more time ...

I got on the scale this morning and came about *this* close to jumping out of the window. I look and feel like a big ole tub of lard. To make matters worse, for the last two weeks, I thought I was being good in terms of eating less and trying to be a bit more active. All that for a lousy one pound loss! That's why I'm on my way to Fuddrucker's for lunch with Meg.

ttfen - that ta ta for effin' now!

peace out
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A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Lose ...

I think I've either lost my mind or am in the process of losing it. I'll know for sure in about two hours. By then I should be back from my 12 noon doctor appointment.

It all started last Saturday. Six days ago ... Six long days ago at which time I never thought I would still be feeling this ...

I was coming back from taking Jared to pick up his glasses. Yes, like his mom, he needs glasses for the first time at the age of 12. Anyway, I was wearing that wireless Blue Tooth earpiece that goes with my cell phone. Was only wearing it because Dave had started complaining that it was a total waste of money because I never used it. Well, I noticed that it was pinching my ear in a way that was causing slight pain so I took it off. When I removed it, I noticed that my right ear/neck felt numb and immediately dismissed the numbness as something caused by the earpiece and would dissipate within a few minutes ... Six days later it hasn't dissipated and has spread to my upper chest and back area and down my arm to my hand. It's not severe or anything, in fact I have to touch the affected areas to see if they are still numb/tingly. They are.

My friends all laugh and lay out the proverbial welcome mat to officially usher me into middle-age hood. I have no problem with entering middle-age-dom, but could have done without the "gift." I had no idea how much this was bothering me until about 90 minutes ago when I realized that I am on my way to getting an official diagnosis. I've been on webmd.com. I've come up with "acceptable" diagnosis and those which I will not accept, including heart disease, stroke, and cancer. Am I tripping? Maybe, but I'm serious. Not that I would even get one of those dianosis today, but I'm just saying. I'm going over in my head how much life insurance I have. What would my kids do without me.

Dave called me and I broke down in tears in the midst of him talking about something - I have to idea what. Before he knew anything I was sobbing in the phone, trying not to be too loud since I am at work. He "guarantees" that I am fine. AFter we hung up, I had to work of some of this nervous energy so I took a walk. Got just far enough from my desk to be seen before I broke down again ...

I'm losing my mind ...

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

The infamous words of Dory (Dorie?) from Finding Nemo are all that I can think about right now. "Just keep swimming..." Of course I am not a fish so maybe I should say, "Just keep moving," or "just keep breathing" or something like that but, "Just keep swimming," works. If you've seen the movie you get my drift ...

How can it be that I am in dire need of another vacation when I just got back to work one week ago??? Luckily I scheduled next week off! I feel so tired. So drained. So zapped - just like our home which was hit by lightening Thursday night. Zapped the phones, computers, electrical outlets, DirectTV, my energy but I'm going to resist this temptation to fall into one of my melancholy moods. Just keep swimming ...

Jordyn's 8th birthday was Saturday. Unfortunately we spent a great part of the day waiting for the telephone repair guy to show. He never did. But my girl persevered. She was content to go shoppping and then come home and celebrate with our little party of five. How can it be that my baby girl is eight already? Already! Watching her grow, I am increasingly aware of how fast time flies whether you're having fun or not. I'm trying to make it fun for her and for her brothers. I'm trying to make easy for them to just keep playing and just keep growing - that's why I "just keep swimming ..."

My mom's best friend is having a birthday party this week. Her daughter asked me to for all intents and purposes, help the guests with make-and-take birthday cards. Thirty of them. Of course I said yes but I am finding out how much work is involved in getting all the materials together and ready for quick and easy assembly. I'm doing four different styles with four different techniques: stamping, dry embossing, doodling and making tags. With any luck I'll have everything together by Wednesday. Thursday at the latest but I've got a major project at working that is due on Thursday and I'm starting to stress about that so I should probably try not to pressure myself into getting the cards done that soon. (Swimming, swimming ...) As long as they are done by Saturday morning ya know? Nothing like last-minuting it. Oh yeah, I've got to get my KNK project done and sumbitted by Wednesday too.(Swim, swim, swim)

With all this swimming I'm doing, you'd think I'd lose some weight. HA!

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The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of ...

I am amazed at how much Justin LOVES Star Wars. Though he is partial to the first three movies (which are actually the last three made) he is totally into all six of the Star Wars movies. He is constantly drawing pictures of the characters and talking about Darth Vadar and Luke and Padmei (sp???) and Darth Sideous and Bobo Fat (???) and General Grievous etc. I will never forget the time he walked up to me and said "Mommy, who is this? 'Cohhhh cohhhhh...'" I was like what the heck?!?!? Justin stood there looking at me like I was the biggest idiot. How could I not know who he was impersonating????? He sounded just like him. Anyway it turned out to be the breathy sound Darth Vadar makes through that voice sound box thingie. Go figure. Never in a million years would I have guessed that he would be sooooo all-in.

He and Dave had a Star Wars marathon a few weeks back. All Star Wars. All day. Oh brother.

So it came as no surprise that when Justin wanted to get his face painted at Disney MGM he chose Darth Mull (sp???) You can only imagine how incredibly geeked he was when during the parade Luke Skywalker and Princess Leah actually pointed to him and Luke aimed his light saber (sp???) at him. I tell ya, it's the stuff dreams are made of!

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Back to the Grind ...

It's 5 AM and in one hour my vacation will be officially over as that is when I am expected to walk back into the building where I work. Umph umph umph. Just like that, the past two weeks have flown by. Oh well, I get another week off in two weeks and that will be much more of an R&R vacation as the kids will be back in school and Dave will be working...

Just like the past two years, we had a grand old time in Florida. Took tons of pictures again. And you know, despite the 2400 mile drive to and from the Sunshine State and the cost of gas ranging between $2.74 and $2.95 per gallon, I guess we got the Explorer in good traveling condition and planned adequately for that expense because it didn't cost quite as much as I expected. And speaking of Sunshine State, for the first time, it didn't rain every single day we were there( even if for only a brief period). I was fretting a bit about tropical storm Chris before we left but I suppose it just fizzled and it only rained the first three days of our trip and as luck would have it, each time it rained we happened to be doing an inside activity and missed it!

And again, speaking of the Sunshine State, I got burned. Yep just like year before last when we went to Lauderdale, I fried like a strip of bacon on Coco Beach. Got the gross flakey peeling back to prove it too. After applying sun screen to Dave and the kids, how could I forget to get some for myself? Got distracted I guess, but at least it didn't/doesn't burn to touch ...

Ironically or maybe not so ironically, the second week of my vacation was almost as good as the first - I mean I did get some chill time in, but more importantly, I got a brand new deck. Yep, Dave finally built it!!! It's about 85% done but I can walk out of the sliding back doors onto it! YAY! BIG YAY!

Well I guess I'd better get off the 'puter now. Got a long day ahead of me and after work I get to go do a survey about my former social smoking habits and earn $125. Should supposedly take 2 hours to complete, but at $62.5 per hour I guess I can't complain. That will cover all the 7 Gypsies stuff I pre-ordered from ER the other day!

toodles
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Something New

Oh yeah I'm on a roll - two posts in two days. I'm sitting here listening to my iPod. Fully jammin'. I downloaded India Arie's "I Am Not My Hair" video. Started thinking that if I could have a cool video on my blog like some people do, that would be it right now, so I came her to check out the options on my blog. Didn't see a video option. Saw where I can a picture of myself which I will do either later this week or when I get back from our trip. Also saw the option to change my blog template so I figure, what the hey. Didn't see a "banner" option either but maybe I'll explore more thoroughly some other time

Man I am so ready music-wise for our 20 hour trip to Florida. That iPod music store, I can tell, could be a VERY dangerous thing. I LOVES ME MY MUSIC - and that is the understatement of the year ...

Ah well, off to get ready for the fourth workday before our trip ...

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Happy Birthday, Tracy Dacy!!!

Yep, today was my 42nd birthday. It started out kinda slow. You know me, feeling kinda melancholy. Introspective. I try not to make a big deal about my birthday because I know that once you're not a kid anymore I guess it's considered immature to expect very much. And it's not that I do, but I just want to be treated a little extra special because ... well because it's my day. I mean when I think back to the births of my children and the moment they took their first breath, the world became a different place. Incrementally different - unnoticeably different to most of the world. Phenominally different to me. And to each of my children.

Same with me. 42 years ago my parents lives were changed. And so was mine as I began to live it on the outside. Today was the anniversary of that date and a celebration of it. Today was significant and there are literally fireworks outside to prove it! (That's my story and I'm sticking to it ;-)

I got a new ipod for my birthday. Guess what I'll be doing over the next few days ... uploading cds. I also see another LO about me getting my groove all the way on in my future.

Less than three weeks to CHA! Oh yeah, I'm counting!

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99%

That's how sure I am that I am going to CHA next month!!! I can hardly believe it but I stopped in ER this afternoon and got to chit chatting with Monica and Terry. I casually asked if they were going to CHA and they both kind of looked at each other with some uncertainly and said yeah. When I asked about their hesitance they explained that they needed to work out some of the logistics that involved one of them not being able to go and the other not wanting to go alone. So I jokingly said, "Well if one of you can't make it, I could go in her place." They asked if I was serious and I said, "Yeah, I guess I am ..." The rest is history.

So why am I not 100% sure? Well I have a small logistic of my own that I need to work out, but I think I can...

Speaking of ER (Ever Remembered), here is the link I promised a post or so ago. The website is still under construction but move you can move your mouse over various items in the charicture to go different places, but if you click on the "Ever Remembered" on the tablecloth, and then click on "designers" at the top of the next page, another page with me and eventually five other ladies will come up. Click on my picture to see the first thing that I thought of when Monica said a scrap-related word. There is also a picture of my very first scrapbook page. Try not to laugh at that ...

The KNK online crop is this weekend, which is turning out to be busier than I thought it would. I let my nephew Quincy spend the night and adding another 12-year-old to the mix of my three kids makes for even more craziness. Then I have to meet his dad in Detroit 'cause I ain't driving nearly 70 miles to take him home - that will take a good chunk out of my day. Monica wants me to stop by the store to check out some CHA material ... when will I ever find time to crop. I'm sure I will tho. I got some really good pictures of Justin at his kindergarten graduation a couple of weeks ago. See ...

I know I need to crop the sides some ... That's Justin and his teacher whom he adored. He was constantly telling us what she said, what she did. I think he idolized her, but she was a great teacher. Justin is reading very very very well - much better than Jared or Jordyn did at this age.

My back is pretty much back to normal. Thank goodness!

Five more work days until my first of four vacations this summer. I get five workdays off - that nine consecutive days!!! Other than turning 42 during that time, I don't have any big plans. Just some major chillin' out! My next two vacations (including the trip to the Windy City for CHA) will be the kind where you don't get to relax. They will be the kind that make me need another vacation. Ah well, at least I won't be at work. Anything is better than that right? :-)

Okay, I'm done.

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My Back Went Out ... and took me with it

This past Saturday I was finishing up my Father's Day cards. I was using my Quickutz for some of the lettering. I have the old blue one. While I love being able to get the letters I want and need, I hate that I have to squeeze the damn thing so hard. I was thinking about upgrading to the pink or black one but after trying it at ER, I can't tell much of a difference. Anyway, I had about 75% of the letters I needed when all of a sudden I felt an odd sensation in my back. I paused for a moment and then proceded to punch the remaining 25%. About an hour later, I began to feel some stiffness and some pain.By Saturday night I could barely move my neck and if I did, it hurt like #$%$&**$!!! (Insert your most obscene expletive).

It felt the same on Sunday. I went to my doctor yesterday who has taken me off work until Thursday and prescribed three different drugs for pain, inflammation and muscle relaxation. I'm still quite stiff and have a fair amount of pain and I'm not sure which of the drugs makes me sleepy but I have taken two 2.5 hour naps today.

So let this be a lesson to you, be careful with your Quickutz. I'm starting to give the Cricut some serious consideration.

As for my first crop a few weeks back, it was da bomb! I had an A+ time -stayed until 5 AM. To carry my things, I went out and bought a small cropping "briefcase" but it couldn't handle everything I took so I also grabbed Justin's Hulk backpack and the tote I carry to work with me every day. A few days after the crop I had a 40% off coupon for JoAnn's so I bought one of the Navigators. When I go to the next all-nighter in July, I'm gonna be fully prepared.

Well that's it for now. Will try to blog again soon.

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First Crop

Tomorrow evening I'm going to my first-ever crop. It's at Ever Remembered and I have to admit that I go back and forth between anxiety and anticipation. I don't know what I want to work on and I don't know what to bring....

At any rate, the crop will be an all-nighter. I figure I'll try to hang until 1:30 or so before I call it a night.

Oh yeah, I turned in the tag book I was making for the store and Terry and Monica loved it AND they officially asked me to be on the ER's design team! Yay! I'm excited. Just like KNK, ER has presented me scrap challenges that make me look at different things differently. I'd have never done a tag book but now I have and I am pretty happy with how it turned out.

Anyway, when Monica updates the ER site with the DT profiles I'll post a link.

Hmmm, what else? I am looking forward to the upcoming three-day weekend and cannont wait until this time next week when the big Anne Stevens meeting will be behind me. That's about all for now so

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Shout Outs

I gotta show some love to Shannon, Heather and Carrie. Apparently you ladies still check to see what's up in my boring "A" blog. Gotta tell you all, it made me feel kinda good that you left me some comments after my two-month hiatus. I mean it when I say, "You're the best!"

'K, so here's a little bit of what I have been up too. Lunch pails! Yeah I know I'm all late and stuff but I was experiencing much anxiety. You know the kind, "What if I totally screw this up and it looks like crap." Obviously I got over it and here are the results …



















Need to go and check out KI's Uptown per Shannon's suggestion for the one I'm planning for Dave. Hey I'd better get right on that - I could get it done just in time for Father's Day!

Now that I'm over the anxiety of ruining the lunchpails/wasting my money, I'm beginning to stress over hosting another huge meeting at work with another top exec. Does it ever end?

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I'm on a Roll

Two posts in one day after none for two months. Oh well I just had to share that Dave wants me to make him a BasicGrey lunch pail. We were looking at my 3J pail and he said, "That's ... that's ... that's phenomenal!" Just like the guy in the Sprint commercial. Yeah, corny I know but he really likes it and he asked to make him one basically about his love of cars. Shan, if your reading this, do you have any PP ideas?

On a much more serious and sadder note, I went to Robert's mother's funeral today. I cried even though I didn't really know his mother. Me crying at anybody's funeral is truly par for the course. I got to see a few people that Dena and I went to college with. Good grief did some of them look, ahem, aged. I had to ask Dena if we look that, ahem, much like them. We, with our rinse-tinted hair, impeccably applied make-up, and control top panty hose had no idea how they let themselves go and agreed that we could both still pass for thirty-somethings!

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My Mother's Day ...

My Mother's Day was the best. In a way I guess I actually began celebrating it on Friday. I had a long weekend, as I took Friday off to attend the MegaMeet with Dale. Had a ton of fun. Spent a mint but that's okay.

Saturday I drove to Hamtramck and spent the day with my mother. I'd orginally planned to spend the actual holiday with her but decided that I wanted to spend that day vegetating.

Anyway I gave my mom the Maya Road coffee tin and altered chipboard flower book that I made her. She cried. It kind of caught me off guard. She looked through it and smiled and told me how much she liked it. Then she passed it to my father. He looked through it too and said it was nice, then gave it back to her. It was during her second look-thru that I noticed she was crying. I just kind of pretended not to notice. I'm glad I trid my hand at the lunch tins. They are becoming my favorite new thing to do. I've made five so far.

On Mother's Day I had breakfast in bed. Dave cooked bacon and sausage and eggs. Grits too. He bought coffee cake too. To drink I had coffee and orange juice. He offered to take me shopping or give me money but I said I was "good." After all, I did have the new Quickutz Sunshine set. That early gift was enough. The kids all gave me their school project gifts but I have to say that the one Justin's teacher came up with brought tears to my eyes. It was a poem about fingerprints and how children grow older and grow up. At the bottom was Justin's signature, his handprint and his spring school picture. Ms. LeBeouf must have found the picture frames at a dollar store or something - the frame was actually quite nice. I am still trying to decide if I want to take it to work and sit on my desk or put it on the mantle here at home.

Anyway, the only other thing I did on Mother's Day was scrap. I brought everything I needed into the bedroom and scrapped while Dave watched television and got some organizing done. I started working on the 7 Gypsies tag book that Ever Remembered asked me to work on. I took the Fancy Pants LO into the store on Saturday and Monica asked if I would mind completing another project for them to display. I was again honored and said "of course." Being on the KNK DT and completing projects for ER is what I like to refer to as "creativity on demand." Sometimes it takes me so far out of my comfort zone but I love it. I really enjoy being asked to work with paper and material that I might not have otherwise considered. I LOVE how the Fancy Pants LO turned out!!! I love some of the LOs I've done for KNK too and seeing how the other DT members use the kits. It's all so inspiring.

Anyway, I must have worked on the tag book for a couple of hours before my muse started napping so I moved on the the BG lunchpail that I wanted to make for Jared. I pretty much knew what I wanted to do with it so it didn't matter that my muse was slumbering. I got the pail and all of the inserts covered. I love it.

I loved my Mother's Day. I wasn't bothered at all by the gloomy, rainy weather. It was actually a great backdrop to my day. If it had been bright, sunny and warm I'd have felt obligated to go out and would not have been so productive.

Now back to the daily grind. I've been up since Dave's alarm went off at 4:00. Couldn't go back to sleep - started thinking about some things I need to get done at work. Also, checked my cell phone voice mail. There was a message from Dena that Robert's mother passed away and the funeral is today. I'm going to try and take a long lunch to attend ... How yesterday must have sucked for Robert, Greg and Vivian.

I'm not really looking forward to the workday ahead of me but by the time I get home I should have two boxes waiting for me - one from Rocky Mountain Hobbies and one from 4Ever Scappin'.

Can't believe its been more than two months since I last blogged. Haven't had much to report.
Oh well. It's 6:33 AM. Maybe I'll lie down for a few minutes before I have to get up.

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RIP Oreo

Jared's pet hamster, Oreo, died today. Oddly enough, I feel just a tad bit sad for the little rodent. Not sure why though. I mean, I had to remind Jared every week to clean his cage. For that matter, I had to constantly question Jared about the last time Oreo had food or water. I was the one who thought enough of Oreo to cut up some apples for him as an occasional special treat - Jared never did that for him. Every other month or so, we had to buy Oreo a new water bottle because he'd chewed a hole in the old one. The fact is, I don't know how many times I thought to myself, "I'll be glad when that damned thing dies because Jared is just not responsible enough."

Jared and Jordyn came in our room this morning saying that Oreo looked really bad, like he was dead. I told Dave to go and check and could hear him say, "I don't think he's dead, but yeah, he's probably dying." He gave Jared a box that one of his paint spray guns came in to put fresh bedding in to make the hamster comfy ... and for burying. Poor Oreo died with Jared watching over him somberly. Kinda sad, ya know.

Anyway, I made a layout for Jared's scrapbook so that he'll never forget his first pet. Even though Jared wasn't the best pet owner and had to always be reminded to provide the most basic care for Oreo, I know that he really did like the critter. I must have too because I used my good Heidi Swapp ghost letters and a floral, a big Bazzill brad, and a ton of Primas on this layout about his death. Go figure.

R.I.P. Oreo Hamster.

New Specs

FINALLY!!! After approximately seven or eight years of settling for glasses that I wasn't all that thrilled about I found two and bought two new pair. Yippee. Now that we have Heritage optical insurance I can go t DOC for glasses. Optim-eyes just wasn't cutting the mustard in terms of having glasses that appeal to me. Of course I'm walking around minus an arm and a leg because even with insurance that's what my new sexy specs cost me but I love them both!!!!

Yesterday was Dave's birthday. We didn't celebrate in a big way yesterday but over the weekend we managed to get rid of all three kids and we went out on a date. We had dinner and a movie on Saturday night and then brunch on Sunday.

We went to see Running Scared, starring Paul Walker(I never realized how cute he was in a raw and rugged sort of way - maybe it was the role along with the cinematography). What an incredibly action-packed and intense and suspenseful movie. In fact it was too intense for me. I got up to use the bathroom just so that I could breathe. I don't like movies that make my heart pound and my fists clench. I won't give away the plot but in short it was all about a guy being a day late and a dollar short throughout the whole movie. From the very first scene there was a ton of action. Needless to say, Dave loved it. I would have too but I go to the movie for entertainment and just found it hard to be entertained with my blood pressure elevated to that level. Other kinds of movies that do that to me are ones about racism, rape, and kidnapping. I don't find that subject matter entertaining at all ...

At any rate, it felt WONDERFUL to have a much needed break from my childrent and to spend time alone with Dave. We must find a way to make that happen much more often.

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Waiting to Exhale

I feel as though I've been holding my breath for the last 2-3 weeks as I planned for yesterday's big meeting. I don't know how many times I went over the details in my head. Last Thursday night I dreamt that I showed up an hour late for the meeting, the AV equipment was broken and the meeting ended before Jim Padilla got there. By the time he showed up everyone was filing out of the Grand Hall and he was asking my director, what the hell was going on. All the while I was shrinking and wondering to myself how much my unemployment checks were going to be.

Anyway, there were a few timing logistics that we had to work through but overall, everything went off very very well. I'd say that there were a good 800 people in attendance and Mr. Padilla's presence and his presentation - well they were great. He's such a dynamic and enthusiastic speaker and he always connects with our employees by mentioning his past connections with our organization and our building.

The F-150 Chief, Matt O'Leary, gave a great presentation too. He seemed very personable, and was easy on the eye. My Director, Bob, also did very well. Yep, everything came together the way I hoped it would. The way I planned it. I had a good day.

Now I've got to focus on the KNK weekend online crop. I need to get cracking on some examples for the challenges, but I don't want to just throw somthing together. With the crop coming so soon after yesterday's meeting, my brainpower is zapped. I've got a few ideas but for whatever reason they aren't translating all that well when I go to put them on cardstock. I can't let my dt girls or Angela down.

Did I mention that next week Dave has to go to OK for his job? Jared and Jordyn will be on mid-winter break and I will have to drive to my parent's every morning before coming to work? That means passing my job by 15 miles to drop the kids off, and then going that same 15 miles out of my way at the end of the day to pick them up. Instead of communting 60 miles a day it will be more like 120 miles a day. By the time I get home next Friday evening, I'm gonna be one mean momma. I guess in a way, I'm still waiting to exhale.

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Sometimes I Wish ...

I could stop the world and get off. Just for an hour. Maybe two. What would I do? I don't really know but I think it might involve a bit of screaming at the tip top of my lungs. I think it might also involve crying some serious tears too. Sounds to me like I'd take the opportunity to throw myself a pretty pity party.

The thing is I feel so much guilt about having these thoughts. What have I got to feel so bad about. I have three healthy and beautiful children. A husband, who despite getting on my last nerve as of late, he loves me and I love him. I have a fine home. I didn't lose my job two weeks ago unlike a few close friends of mine ... From all outside appearances, even from the view that only I am privy to, it would seem that I have no need whatsoever to throw a pity party. But the fact remains that I want to stop the world, get off, scream, cry, maybe even puke.

Aaaargh, there I go again. Oh the melodrama! This is why there are such lapses in my blog - I guess I just don't want others to know how crazy I feel sometimes ...

I know a large part of this has to do with the fact that I am planning a HUGE meeting at work where the president of the company will come and address our employees. So much planning. So much checking and re-checking. I so much prefer my writing role at work to my PR role. On top of the stress at work, Jordyn has some kind of stomach bug. It started at 2:30 AM night before last and it's still going on. She's getting a bit better but I hate it when my kids are sick AND my sleep has suffered which only compounds my anxiety and irritability. If I can just make it til next Friday, the meeting will be behind me... If!

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The Calm Before the Storm

This time next week I should know if I still have a job or not. On Thursday, the possible reality of the situation really set in and I packed up a box of my personal belongings and brought it home. I did the same thing yesterday. Ironically, as this potential reality set in I became incredibly and increasingly calm. I listened to remnants of conversations as they passed by my cube or as I passed them in the aisles. So many people are so worried. Me? I would describe myself as "wondered." I wonder if I will lose my job. I wonder what I will do if I do. I wonder what I will do if I don't. I wonder just how calm I will be one week from now ...

Fortunately, because of my time with the company, I am eligible for a severance that will help sustain us for more than a year, but after a week or two of chilling, I'd be throwing myself full force into a job search, which the company will provide assistance with for six months. Call me Sniff or Scurry but I'd be on the lookout for new some "cheddar." Yeah, I pulled out Who Moved My Cheese the other day.

I took my mom back home today. She spent the week with us and cared for the kids after school. I planned to just drop her off, say hi to my dad and then head back home. I wound up staying for several hours.

I don't know how, but me and my dad got to talking. He told me that by the time he entered the tenth grade most people thought he was only entering sixth grade. He said that he was very small for his age back then and it really bothered him. He said that his mother was approximately 5' 4" and that Granddaddy was only 5' 6". Luckily Daddy went through a growth spurt and eventually reached 5'10" or is he 5' 9"?

He told me that he and nine his siblings used to attend the church down the street from their home but his parents went to two different churches and that he often would walk to meet his mother and walk her home. He said he was the only one who would do this. I could see the pleasure and the pain in his face as he recollected those days. She died January 16, 1960, four and a half years before I was born. Daddy was 24 then.

Eventually my brother stopped by and our conversations became very lively. Lots of laughter. Lots of fun. It felt good. It felt great. Like it used to be before the big falling out of 1991. It feels good to have released so much of the bitterness. Occassionally it tries to creep back into my heart. Occassionally I remember the pain. Thank goodness those occassions are increasingly seldom.

I suppose not all memories can be happy ones but they can be cherished for making me appreciate the happy ones all the more and for helping me keep things in perspective.

Oh well, I'm home now with Dave on the couch in the family room. Jared on the other computer. Jordyn and Justin finger painting. Me blogging. Life etc. happening.

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Lucky 13!

it was raining cats and dogs as we were waiting for the limo to pick us up. a random vegas tourist who noticed us asked if we were going to be married and when we told her that we were, she said, "it's supposed to be very good luck if it rains on your wedding day." again, it was raining cats and dogs (the size of tigers and great danes) so i considered her comment to be a very good omen.

january 18, 1993, thirteen years ago today, dave and i flew to las vegas and got married. just the two of us. it was one of the very best decisions of my life. sometimes people ask me if i regret not having a big wedding and my answer is still "no." i have never liked being the center of attention of large crowds. even at my bridal and baby showers, i felt uncomfortable so a big wedding just would not have been me. big weddings are beautiful and i like to attend them, but i'm much too simple a gal for one. having said that, i would like to renew our vows on our 25th anniversary in a church, in the presence of a small circle of family and friends with a small dinner party to follow. now that will be worth celebrating. in a day where so many marriages end in divorce, i think there should be more fanfare at a milestone anniversary. any two people can get married but not many can make it work for very long, but that's just my humble opinion...

anyway, three kids, two houses, several cars, and many gray hairs later here we are. still married and happily so. 13 years. i feel so lucky! so very blessed!

I've Been Tagged Too - Thanks Shannon

My pal Shannon "tagged" me so I get to tell you the following interesting facts about yours truly ...

4 jobs i've had
Communication Specialist (Ford Motor Co.)
Internal Communications and PR Specialist (fomoco)
Vehicle Programs Specialist (fomoco)
Central Contorl Operator (fomoco)

4 movies i could watch over and over
50 first dates (sappy i know, but love the concept of making someone fall in love with you every day)
the incredibles
shawshank redemption
kill bill 1&2 (violence to the nth degree but that Beatrix Kiddo is one bad mamma jamma and i love her and yeah, i know that makes 5, not 4 movies)

4 places i have lived
detroit, mi
hamtramck, mi
ypsilanti, mi
tbd

tv shows i like to watch
house
desperate housewives
csi (heather knows which ones)
good morning america

places i've been on vacation
florida
vegas
NOLA
Northern VA

websites i visit daily
knk
sbc yahoo
cnn.com
tv guide entertainment news

4 favorite foods
cheesecake
reuben with swiss, slaw, and russian dressing
deep dish pizza
chili

4 places i'd rather be
on the beach
in Dave's arms
someplace warm
scrappin a masterpiece

4 bloggers i'm tagging
meg
i don't know any other bloggers who haven't already been tagged

Blah-humbug!!!

It's eight days into the new year and I feel about ready to throw in the towel. I'm officially in a rut. I just can't seem to get my sh** together. Yet, if you were to ask me what is wrong, I'd have a hard time putting my finger on it. I just have this huge cloud of discontent hanging over me. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. Churning. (How's that for a corporate buzz word - or maybe it's just a Ford thang.)

Could I be going through a mid-life crisis??? Could it be cabin fever (if it is, it's early this year - doesn't usually set in until late February/early March). Maybe it's just me coming down from the holiday high. At any rate I don't like how I am feeling. It might help to try and scrap it out. Yeah, I suppose that would be somewhat therapeutic, but again, I'm having such a hard time identifying the cause of this blah-ness.

I am giving some thought to going back to school. No, not for another master's degree or Ph.D, but just to take some "fun" classes at the local community college.

Been also thinking about bugging Dave to bring home the treadmill his dad said I could have. Am considering buying a new recumbent exercise bike too. Excerise would probably help with the blahs while also helping get rid of the 20 pounds I really need to lose.

Yadda yadda yadda. All this thinking and considering ... I need to quit thinking, and talking about about it and just BE about it.

To the few fairly regular readers of my boring blog, this entry has got to be about as exciting as watching paint dry. Sorry. Let's just hope I'm PMS-ing and will have something more interesting (or at least something less blah) to report next time.

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